bed hog

I really don’t think there’s anything better than that moment in the morning when Col gets up to get ready for work and I get the whole bed to myself. I like to turn myself completely sideways across the bed and revel in all that room. It’s like wide lanes…just so effing luxurious. It’s me giving the middle finger to twin beds around the world.

I realize sleeping horizontally across the bed isn’t actually taking up more space than sleeping lengthwise. I don’t really care…it feels like I’m taking up more room. I’m not even sure why I get so much pleasure from this anyway. Well, maybe it’s because I spend the majority of the night huddled on one side of the bed, perilously close to the edge. I do this to avoid getting elbowed in the eye. I used to do this because I had a weird hang-up about having to sleep with one hand touching the floor. But, one too many falls from the bed (and an actual black eye from the nightstand) have cured me of that bizarre habit.

At least we have a queen size bed. My parents have had the same double bed as long as I can remember. It’s antique. It has a footboard. My dad is over 6 feet tall. It’s quite a sight to see my parents’ arrangement for sleeping. My dad lies diagonally across the mattress to fit. My mom curls up in one of the triangles created by my dad, and Wiggles the dog gets the other triangle. My mom gets the same amount of space as the dog…nice. I don’t understand how they’ve ever had a good night’s sleep with that setup. Maybe it explains why by the age of five I knew how to pour a glass of wine for Mommy and to “dig deep” in the Igloo to make sure I got the coldest beer for Dad. Those were probably an early form of Ambien.

I’m really not a bed hog. It’s just that once all the space is there I need to take it! It’s like Manifest Destiny for the tired. I’m not being selfish. I’m being a good American.


One response to “bed hog

  1. I don’t know how my parents sleep either. My dad snores like nobody’s business and they have 2 cats on their bed. I cannot even imagine trying to sleep with Wiggles the ear-biter.

    When Mr. W’s out of town, I tend to go diagonal on the bed. And I like to sleep on his pillow. And drool.

    Great post!

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