Yesterday at the mall, I noticed this sign at Eddie Bauer.

I’m inclined to send an email to their marketing group asking…REALLY? Someone actually drafted, ordered and sent this out to stores with a straight face?

So, I thought I’d share my list of 2011 holiday shopping rules. They’re  a mix of rules for stores, as well as shoppers. In no particular order:

  1. If you’re old enough to have fathered the child you’re pushing in the stroller, you’re too old to be wearing Hollister.
  2. If you’re over 25, you’re too old to be wearing AE (you can go up to 28 if you’re gay, single and weigh less than 100 pounds).
  3. If you’re out of high school, don’t even think of wearing Aeropostale.
  4. The middle of the aisle in a crowded mall is not where you stop to catch up with friends.
  5. If you push up against me in line to check out I’m either going to step on your foot or fart on you.
  6. You better at least say “thanks” to me as you ring up my purchase. There’s a recession. I’m always nice to cashiers, offering a pleasant smile and a “thank you.” The least you can do is thank me for parting with what little cash I have and contributing to your job. We’re all tired. Deal with it.
  7. If you’re inclined to let your brat run around unattended in Costco, I’m inclined to shove him into one of the freezers and lean on the door. At least in Utah there are plenty more to take his place.
  8. If it’s out of stock and you don’t post anticipated restocking dates, nor do you let me sign up for notifications, why the hell can’t you take it off your website? I spend time clicking links to pages that taunt me with a cheap price, yet I can’t order it. Lame.
  9. Unless you’re driving a semi your car only requires one parking spot. If you want to avoid door dings, go park in the back 40. Taking up two spots to me indicates you wish you had two cars to park, so I might just buy a high powered laser and cut in half. Or, I’ll squeeze my car into the half spot you left so you can’t get out.
  10. If your sign says “everything” is on sale, every damn thing in that store better be on sale. Otherwise, I’m using a Sharpie to add “almost” to your sign. Or, I’ll just spray paint “LIARS” on it.

Happy Holidays!


5 responses to “wrong

  1. A solution to it all? Avoid the mall and online shop!

  2. The thought of you farting on someone in line brightened my day immensely and made me laugh out loud at the laptop. Pig.

    I believe we’ve had the AE conversation before. I have two tops from there that I bought while shopping for a niece. I also still shop at Brass Plum in Nordstrom. And I will never ever stop. Mmmwaahahahahaha!

  3. Okay, #8 is true, but it makes up for the other 9! Right??

    In other news, I think you’re going to be the BEST old man ever in 50 years.

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